I have stopped dating! A prediction I have made at the beginning of this year. It isn't as if I haven't tried to find a guy. It is just the unnecessary stress that came with it, that made certain men so unattractive. Where are the decisive men, who know what they want, are kind, respects people and have a way of living that makes them super attractive?
I have plenty of male friends and non of them give me unnecessary stress! They are intelligent, funny men and each of them have their own attractive trades. Some know what they want in their life others don't and thank goodness we don't feel any sexual attraction for one another. At least, I don't think I have that feeling anymore with my ex M. He did something that turned me off for life...
So I decided to stop showing interest to any guy and so give up. The universe killed it on the same day, when I decided that and made me doubt on my decision!
Two days ago
I headed home from work and arrived at the station where I waited for my metro to head home. I saw a tall man standing on the platform in semi-formal pants, semi-formal shirt, business shoes, carrying a backpack and looking straight ahead. I walked passed him from behind and accidentally checked out his quite beautiful formed bottom. My brain was fighting with my feelings straight away! I was thinking: "Why? Why? What? What? You don't even know who he is!"
The metro arrived and it was practically empty, so I sat down near a door. He sat down on the empty row in front of me in the middle of the row. I looked at him and thought: "Hmm... Odd..."
He was sitting there as if he owned the space, legs spread and he has white earphones in his ears. He looked confident, but it also looked like that he was forcing himself to be cool? Trying to hard?
He was sitting there as if he owned the space, legs spread and he has white earphones in his ears. He looked confident, but it also looked like that he was forcing himself to be cool? Trying to hard?
I guess he noticed I wasn't impressed, so he sat a bit more normal and relaxed. I was reading something from my phone and I saw his feet move slowly pointing to me. It made me look up. He started to smile broadly. I thought I would find it creepy, but I found it odder.
Eventually I ignored him, because my brain was decisive on my decision. He got off the metro and took out his phone out of his pants' pocket and he looked disappointed. Worst thing of all is, this guy looks completely my type apart from pretending to be cool. His looks had nothing to do with it, but the thing that made me doubt everything was his eyes. The way he was looking at me and they were green. It reminded me of a past dream I had. It started to ripple in my brain making me super confused.
Today
I have totally forgotten about him. I got on a crowded metro towards work and sat down. I took out my mobile phone and started reading. At a metro stop I felt that someone was staring at me, but I ignored it for a few stops. Until I looked at the ground diagonally on my left opposite of me at the door of the metro. I recognised the shoes, they were pointed at me. I looked up and I saw the same man. He was looking over my head staring outside, but he suddenly had a cute smile on his face. Not the strange broad smile like last time and trying to act cool.
I saw that he flinched. I finished reading what I was reading quickly and shut everything down on my phone, while I glanced at him from time to time. He looked away. He didn't smile, but looked uneasy or suddenly as if he has been caught. He didn't know what to do at all? I looked ahead as well and I felt the stare again. I looked to my right, away from him and turned my head back to the starting position looking in front of me.
I was curious what his reaction would be and what did he do? He looked into the direction I did. I have no idea, why he mimicked me. But we didn't make eye contact and the metro was crowded. So I gave up on it and decided to listen to my brain. I saw a disappointment from his face, he stopped smiling. He took his phone out of his pant's pocket for a few seconds so he checked the time or what he was listening to.
Then we arrived at the station, where we were going to get off. I put my phone away. I glanced at him once, I couldn't smile because my head was rippling again. I couldn't stop being confused, it is unfair to smile at him now and get off the metro with him through the same metro door. So I walked to the back of the metro and alighted there. I felt relieved, but I also felt an explosion of warmth which hit my face hard.
The temperature difference from inside the metro compared to the heat wave outside made my thoughts go insane. I was sure my chronic headache was going to consume me. So I tried to relieve the ripple. My brain went completely nuts! And so I didn't resolve the thoughts. I just speed walked to work while I left each piece of thought on each tile of the pedestrian road. "What the f***ing hell was that?", "Why couldn't I smile back?", "What does the guy want from me?", "Why did he stare?", "And this time in the crowded metro he can smile cutely apart from the other day almost creepily?!", "Arrghh... I hate the universe today!"
I think I had more thoughts. I only remember these, which is good. Because in the end I was kind of lucky today. I didn't have a chronic headache.
I saw that he flinched. I finished reading what I was reading quickly and shut everything down on my phone, while I glanced at him from time to time. He looked away. He didn't smile, but looked uneasy or suddenly as if he has been caught. He didn't know what to do at all? I looked ahead as well and I felt the stare again. I looked to my right, away from him and turned my head back to the starting position looking in front of me.
I was curious what his reaction would be and what did he do? He looked into the direction I did. I have no idea, why he mimicked me. But we didn't make eye contact and the metro was crowded. So I gave up on it and decided to listen to my brain. I saw a disappointment from his face, he stopped smiling. He took his phone out of his pant's pocket for a few seconds so he checked the time or what he was listening to.
Then we arrived at the station, where we were going to get off. I put my phone away. I glanced at him once, I couldn't smile because my head was rippling again. I couldn't stop being confused, it is unfair to smile at him now and get off the metro with him through the same metro door. So I walked to the back of the metro and alighted there. I felt relieved, but I also felt an explosion of warmth which hit my face hard.
The temperature difference from inside the metro compared to the heat wave outside made my thoughts go insane. I was sure my chronic headache was going to consume me. So I tried to relieve the ripple. My brain went completely nuts! And so I didn't resolve the thoughts. I just speed walked to work while I left each piece of thought on each tile of the pedestrian road. "What the f***ing hell was that?", "Why couldn't I smile back?", "What does the guy want from me?", "Why did he stare?", "And this time in the crowded metro he can smile cutely apart from the other day almost creepily?!", "Arrghh... I hate the universe today!"
I think I had more thoughts. I only remember these, which is good. Because in the end I was kind of lucky today. I didn't have a chronic headache.