There is a guy colleague, who talks a lot and is very open. I am relaxed around him, because he doesn't make me feel restricted in my speech. So I smile a lot or actually I started realizing that when "the guy" gallantly or should I say without me being aware of it, walk between us and stayed there any chance he got.
At a certain point I was walking up front with "the guy" next to me. So close and yet so far? Hmm.. Sounds like a song from Jon Mclaughlin ♫ So close ♫. He was walking about two steps to the right of me and we were about six steps away from the other two colleagues, who were walking behind us. I stared at him a lot trying to start a decent conversation, but there was a tension between us that made me super shy. I asked open questions and he responded, except the way he responded made me even more shy. He was looking in front of his path and the words came out with uncertainty as if he was looking for the right words to say. Why would he do that? He can say anything, I guess, or was he looking for a way to impress me?
Then it came to the question: "How was your weekend?"
He responded with a feeling and I thought: "There he is. The usual cheery guy?"
But than he went silent so I asked further. His response was more interesting and also more him, I guess? It was a little glimpse of his life. Except somehow it didn't feel like a tension reliever? Or more a muscle relaxant? I just don't know how else to describe this feeling. So it went silent again and he stared at me from the corner of his eye and said: "And your weekend?"
It surprised me that he was interested, but I replied that I hung out with friends and that I went out for grocery shopping on Sunday. He stared at me and said with curiosity: "So you went out with your friends?"
I was surprised by that question, because it sounded like jealousy or more in the sense of you are still looking for a man? I replied: "No, just hung out at a friend's house. It isn't within my budget at the moment..." I explained about my holiday plans and he asked when I was going and to where, than it went quiet again.
So I asked him: "So do you go out a lot these days?"
He shook his head, while he responded with a No till the o's faded away: "Nooooo..."
We walked into the supermarket so the conversation just stopped, but in my mind I was freaking out. I realized we had a conversation of some sorts and it was completely filled with tension, but somehow with a meaning? Anyway I bought my food and walked outside and we walked through the park back.
I seriously thought that the tension would subside, but it didn't!!! I was walking next to the bubbly guy, but it lasted just for a few seconds because "the guy" gracefully glided into the a-step-away free slot between us. The guy glanced at me from time to time, because I fell silent. Due to the tension and the closeness I decided to enjoy it silently, also I was hungry so I needed to eat something. I ate, while I enjoyed the chatter from the other two colleague's. At a certain point I wanted to accidentally trip to bump against "the guy" just to see whether I could simmer down the tension. But... I was past the point of enjoying the conversation of the other two colleague's to even be bothered by how close "the guy" was walking next to me. I could have graced my jacket sleeve against his, while we walked without even be bothered by it. That is how close we were walking next to one another.
I guess "the guy" is intimidating to me and will remain so, because in the elevator up. The usual elevator up isn't just an elevator up, when we are both alone in it. I didn't dare staring at him directly. So I observed the floor, his sneakers and the view outside. Hey! I can't help it, starting a conversation with him is always hard and today was worse because I couldn't be cheery or too cheery. One of his family members has passed away and when I stare at him I see it kinds of affects him. And so don't want to bother him with it. I guess I could have asked him how he is, but we somehow covered that when I asked him about his weekend.
It didn't even cross my mind to ask him about something he wrote as response to my Whatsapp message. I was super shy and my mind just shut down. The normal conversation mode just didn't give me any output. I didn't compute. I was definitely not myself. Not sure, whether he did the same. Why is it that we always fall into an emotional stir, where we both can't smile normally, where standing/walking next to each other is so intense, that glancing seems like a longing stare and we talk too timidly?
Line of today: Where is the courage, when you need it?